


Thinking out loud

by Iceychills



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-19 10:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2385023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iceychills/pseuds/Iceychills
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss Everdeen's life has been torn to pieces by the people she trusted most. By chance she meets Peeta Mellark with whom she had a connection with in the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have anyone to read over this after i write so feel free to let me know of any mistakes/changes or suggestions.

"That blonde guy has been staring at you since he came in," Johanna pointed out. I snuck a glance toward the corner table where a broad shouldered, blonde guy sat drinking hot chocolate and conversing with a pretty blonde who grinned and giggled her way through lunch. Blonde guy catches me staring and smiled, no smirked then looks away. Vague recognition swept over me, "oh shit," I said as Johanna looked at me puzzled, "Its Peeta Mellark, I know him from high school."

"He's fucking hot," she stated matter of factly.

I took the empty trays into the back and busied myself with the mundane task of placing glasses and cutlery in the dishwasher. I had agreed to work here part time to pay towards my new apartment during the winter when there was less work at my main job at the national park.

My mind drifted back to Peeta Mellark. In high school he had tried to befriend me, but I was kind of a bitch to him. Maybe if I had given him a chance I wouldn't be in the mess I am in right now. Too late to change things, I tell myself.

I continue to wait tables and catch Peeta's eye and this time I smile at him acknowledging his presence. Sort of a confirmation that I see and remember him. He looks good, his shoulders have filled out and his hair is neat, curls covering the nape of his neck. He was pretty athletic at school, if I remember correctly he was involved in wrestling. 

I'm thankful that Johanna is serving their table, I really don't know what I would say to him anyway.

I think back to high school where I was sullen and stubborn. My dad had walked out on us when when I was twelve and my mom had been ill for a while in the years following, her mental health had suffered and I found myself becoming the primary carer for both her and my younger sister Prim. Back then I stuck to a small number of close friends and didn't care to make more. My best friend Gale who had lost his dad in an accident was a constant source of protection and reassurance, we were united in our shitty circumstances. Gale is two years older than me, he had left high school as I reached sixteen and gone to a local college to be near his mom and help her with his 3 younger siblings. That left me in high school with Madge Undersee, as quiet as a mouse before you got to know her and a welcome friend who didn't push me to talk or force me to get involved in typical high school shit. 

Peeta Mellark hung with a different crowd, his father owned a bakery in town and Peeta was known for having the best snacks at school. He was also known for his sports, artistic prowess and good looks. I was sure he couldn't be all perfect, until he started talking to me during lunch one afternoon. 

"Hey Katniss," he said as he stood before Madge and I. We were discussing the possible contents of the pudding cup, Madge looked surprised and blushed when Peeta interrupted, god knows why, he wasn't staring at her like he was with me. He took a seat across from us, the silence was awkward. "Do you mind if I sit here?" I did mind, Peeta and I had never really talked though sometimes he would smile at me if I caught his eye. Deciding I better say something, I don't agree but state, "I don't own the cafeteria." 

"No but it's polite to ask anyway." He looks nervous as he starts eating a sandwich. His friends are staring over from their usual table.

"I think your friends are wondering why you aren't sitting with them." I point out. I relax a bit, maybe he's had an argument with them or something and needed to sit elsewhere without being obvious and alone.

"Yeah probably. I didn't tell then I had plans."

"Plans?" I'm curious now, plans which involved sitting with Madge and I for lunch? I didn't even want him to be here, he was drawing unnecessary attention to us.

"Well I figured I'd have lunch here so we could talk."

"We?"

He flushed, his cheeks crimson. It was cute.

He made direct eye contact as he said. "Well I figured I should talk to you now it's not so impossible." It was my turn to blush now. 

"It was impossible before?"

"No, but your friend Gale was always around and I wasn't sure if he would approve of other guys talking to you."

"Well I don't see that it's his business."

"Oh."

"He's not my boyfriend." I don't know why I volunteered this information. I didn't want Peeta Mellark to even talk to me. 

"Do you want a cookie?" Madge politely took a chocolate chip cookie from the bag. I just stared at him suspiciously.

"Thanks." Says Madge, confusion clearly reads from her face.

"So why do you want to talk to me?" Let's get to the point, I thought.

"Are you always this direct?" He asked, though it appeared to me he's trying to stall for time in order to explain the sudden intrusion of my daily lunch routine.

"Mostly." Madge answered then smiled at me smugly. Fuck her, I thought.

"Well like I said, I wanted to approach before but I...I thought Gale was maybe your boyfriend or something..."

"Oh I have to go!" 'Madge suddenly announced, "I have to talk to my chem teacher. Thanks for the cookie. See you Katniss." And she rushed off leaving me startled and slightly less comfortable alone with Peeta.

"So Gale isn't your boyfriend?"

"I already said no."

"Ever?"

"He's my best friend, what does it matter to you anyway?" I scowled, what was with all the questions.

"I thought we could be friends too, well I would like to be your friend..." He trailed off, the conversation didn't seem to be going his way. Should I have been fawning over him and batting my eyelashes at everything he says? I'd seen those other girls, it was pathetic.

"You know this is random and a little weird."

He laughed, "Yeah...I've wanted to talk to you for a long time I just...I don't know...I would have done it differently but today just seemed now or never."

Peeta Mellark wanted to talk to me? For a long time? Oh god. I was slightly embarrassed by his attention and disclosure of...a secret long standing crush? I had butterflies and I inwardly cursed myself for being even remotely excited or flattered or whatever the hell it is.

"Who made the cookies?" I asked, attempting to change the subject. 

"My dad, do you like then?"

"They are amazing, I love when a cookie is still soft after being freshly baked."

He grinned at this, "So I should always bring cookies."

"Always?" Had he intended on doing this often? 

"Well I figure if you are talking to me you might even have lunch with me tomorrow."

I thought it over, it was lunch in a cafeteria full of people from our classes and he had cookies, he surely could not have had many expectations of me. But then I really did not need any more friends and I certainly did not want to encourage his attentions.

"I'm not saying we," I emphasised the we, "can have lunch together, but I'm certainly not stopping you from sitting with Madge and I." 

He grinned again and started talking about music and food and I found myself staring at his blue eyes, intrigued as to why he even wanted to talk to me...liked me. I could feel eyes on us both and I'm sure there were whispers. 

And that's how it started, Peeta Mellark ate lunch with Madge and I every day. Eventually he worked up the courage to ask me to hang out outside of school.

"I can't, I have plans weekend." It was true.

"Oh," he looked disappointed, "Another time maybe?" 

"Maybe." He looked hopeful and I felt bad about saying no. I found I liked Peeta Mellark the more I got to know him. He wasn't the typical sports loving douchebag I had come to expect and he certainly didn't force us to engage in his conversation. Though Madge and I appeared to find it easy to talk to him. He was surprisingly charming. True to his word he brought cookies and sometimes even cheese buns which he would split with me for lunch. They were amazing.

"Can I at least drive you home?"

"You have a car?" I had only ever seen Peeta within school, I had never noticed him arrive or leave. 

"Well it's my brothers car but he lets me use it sometimes." He smiled sheepishly.

Gale wasn't able to pick me up today because his sister had an appointment with the paediatrician.

"I guess, but don't you live on the other side of town?"

"That's the beauty of a car Katniss, you can drive all the way back." He was mocking me. A cheeky grin on his face. There were those butterflies again. I hated the lack of self control I had over myself around him.

"Then yeah."

We got into his brothers beat up car and Peeta started the engine. The radio blasted and he reduced the volume, his hand skimmed mine as I tried to buckle my seatbelt. 

I stared straight ahead uncomfortable with the close proximity. My hand tingled where he'd skimmed my flesh. One of us had to break the silence.

"I could give you a ride to school whenever..." He trailed off.

"It's fine I walk in the mornings, I like the fresh air and after school Gale picks Madge and I up most days."

"Oh. Well we should swap numbers just in case...you know in case you change your mind or Gale can't pick you guys up." He handed me his phone and I entered my number obligingly.

"Well thanks."

I watched as he wiped the palms of his hands on his jeans then continued driving. I wondered if he was a nervous driver. 

"Are you sure you are a competent driver?" I half joked.

"Err yeah, I'm just...you make me nervous."

"Nervous? You?" I scoffed, you never seem to have a problem with talking to people."

"Not people Katniss, just you." He sighed almost as though he was frustrated at something.

"Why do I make you nervous?" I knew deep down but part of me wanted to hear him say it.

"You know why."

"All I know is that you always wanted to talk to me and you didn't because of Gale."

"Katniss are you really going to make me do this." He pulled up outside my house, I never even considered the fact he got here without direction. 

"Do what?" I asked innocently.

He stared straight ahead, his hands gripping the wheel. "Tell you that I like you. That I can't stop thinking about you and I can't figure out if you like me too or if there's even a slight chance you would consider going out with me." He didn't look at me, just continued to stare at the bonnet of the car.

"Peeta I..." I hadn't thought this through, hadn't thought far enough ahead to what my response would be. 

"I don't date." Was all I could manage.

"Can't or don't want to?" He asked.

"Don't want to."

We sat in an awkward silence for what felt like a lifetime.

"Do you think that could change?" He sounded hopeful and I felt like a terrible person because I was too pessimistic, too damaged by my parents to even consider ruining anyone else's future. 

"I don't think so, not anytime soon." 

"We can still be friends." It sounded like a question.

"Of course. I'm sorry Peeta." I don't want to leave it like this. I created this atmosphere so I should fix it. "What's the last song you played on your MP3 player?" I ask.

He smiled and leaned forward to hook it up to the car. Soft music, haunting, filled with banjo's, acoustic guitars and horns played. It was quite beautiful and the singers voice was gentle, I closed my eyes and listened. When I open them he was staring at me his lips slightly parted, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes again, letting the music soothe me.

"I'm scared of getting hurt." I whispered.

"I would never hurt you." He responded.

I opened my eyes and before I could overthink it I leaned forward and kissed him. He seemed surprised at first, then he leaned into me and his hands held my face. It was sweet and he smelled so good, like honey and chocolate. Eventually he pulled back, his lips are red and mine feel puffy.

I wanted to reach out and touch them, explore more of his mouth but all I could think of was that this was going too far, it was out of my control and I should go.

"That was..."

"I should go." I interrupted, "My sister will wonder where I am."

"Katniss..."

"Goodbye." I shut the car door and ran into the house slamming the door shut. I had kissed Peeta Mellark. My first kiss. It was wonderful and sweet and my stomach was doing those fucking somersaults again. This couldn't happen. My phone beeped signalling a text. 

Peeta: Katniss shouldn't we talk about what just happened?

No, I thought. I didn't reply to his message or any others he sent and I made sure not to be alone with Peeta again. I couldn't stop thinking about him though, or that kiss. At lunch he would try and bring it up but I made sure Madge was there.

When he wasn't paying attention or he was particularly caught up in a story he was telling us I used this as an excuse to look at his lips, admire the muscles in his arms or his blue eyes. 

The fact I found him attractive had not gone unnoticed by Madge who had brought it up when we were waiting on Gale to pick us up after school.

"You kept staring at him. You even gazed into his eyes."

"I did not! I was concentrating on his explanation of wrestling rules!" I protested.

When Gale picked us up we were still debating on whether I was gazing or concentrating. 

"What are you both yammering about?" He asked as he pulled out the car park.

"Katniss has a crush on a guy from our class."

"What the fuck Madge, he's just a friend." I scowled at her, I didn't feel comfortable talking about this with Gale here. 

"A crush?" He inquired raising his eyebrow at me.

"It's nothing. He's just a friend who sits with us at lunch."

"Who told her he liked her for a long time." Madge added, I was beginning to hate how comfortable she had become around Gale now and relieved that I hadn't told her about the kiss.

"So he's the one with the crush." Gale stated.

"I guess, doesn't mean I can't be his friend."

"No I guess not, can't blame him really." gale grinned at me and flicked a stray strand of hair from my face. I blush and hoped Madge didn't notice. We had arrived at her house and she was grabbing her things, she thanked Gale and left.

As we were driving towards my house Gale suddenly asked, "So this Mellark. Creeper or are you actually interested?" 

I played with my braid nervously, "I like him as a friend. You have other girl friends at college, does that mean you want to date them?"

"It's not always about "dating" Katniss."

"So you are saying Peeta Mellark wants in my pants?"

"Probably."

"Well glad that's sorted, my intellect and wit is clearly not enough."

He laughs at this and suddenly he was very serious as he said, "It's enough for me."

"Your standards are low." I tried to laugh off his remark but there was an odd tension in the air. It had been getting that way a lot, Gale would make some remark about wanting me to be more than a friend or how he felt about me then the air would be thick with tension until one of us returned the conversation to our usual banter.

"So tell me what you know about Mellark so that I can decide if he's worthy of being in your presence." He joked which I was sure was to try and change the tone slightly.

So I tell him about Peeta's dad's bakery, the amazing cookies, the sports he played and that he liked to draw and paint, his two brothers and their family dog. I surprised myself by how much I actually knew and I didn't realise how much I was smiling as I told Gale about this boy who had suddenly appeared in my life until I was finished.

Gale frowned when I was done and asked, "What, you couldn't find any flaws?"

"No ones perfect." I answered, though I remember thinking the same thing when Peeta first started talking to me. 

"Anyway enough about school, how's college and has your mom agreed to let Rory take guitar lessons yet?" I changed the subject.

We caught up on the happenings of Gales life and I was slightly relieved to be no longer talking about Peeta Mellark again. 

As it was Friday night Gale was hanging out for a while at my house even though he should probably be off at college parties.

"Why do you spend your Friday nights with a high schooler when you could be playing beer pong and making out with college women?"

"What makes you think I'd want to make things difficult for others as I reign at beer pong? You know I would be undefeated." I noticed he ignored my comment about other women.

We were lying across my bed watching a movie. Gale's white t-shirt was tight across his chest and abs. I poked him in the ribs. "That's not what I meant." Gale started stroking my arm as we lay facing each other, another thing that had been happening lately. As he stroked up the length of my arm I felt a shiver go up my spine.

"You know I Iike spending time with you Catnip." 

Gale's feelings for me was the elephant in the room most of the time. It was becoming harder to ignore as I noticed how much Gale sacrificed his time to spend with me when he should have been moving on to girls who were ready to be his girlfriend. My dad had left my mom and moved on to have a new family. We never saw him although we heard he was living in another town with his new wife and kids. I had trust issues, probably mostly for this reason. But Gale I could trust, he was safe and loved me and he was attractive. I didn't know if I wanted a boyfriend but if I did I could trust Gale. That I didn't doubt. Peeta had said he had liked me, wouldn't hurt me and even though I liked him too I couldn't trust him like I trusted Gale. 

My eyes drifted over Gale's torso, I could see the muscles beneath his thin shirt. It's not like I hadn't thought of him before this way, sometimes even in the night as I felt that familiar ache and sought to release it. I started to feel that ache between my legs as I thought of catching Gale between my thighs and licking and kissing my way down his chest and abdomen, right down to the trail of hair towards his...

"Catnip?" Gale interrupted.

I looked up at him, I'm sure I was blushing. He stared intently at me then leaned forward to kiss me and before I knew it we were making out. It was heavy and lustful, changing the dynamic of our relationship forever. Hormones running wild and desperate to satiate them we began a very volatile relationship which usually revolved around sex. We would argue over things such as telling people about us, whether we should go out on dates or stay home, who he was with at college, who I was with. We were both demanding, possessive, insecure and stubborn. I should have known then it would never have worked out.

Peeta found out about us a few weeks later. Gale had a study break and we were making out at the back of the parking lot against the door of his truck. I usually had math around this time but the teacher had gone home sick and we had a free period so I had text Gale to come see me. A group of guys came out of the gym heading toward the field to train. Peeta was with them, he looked at me with hurt and betrayal. Our eyes locked and I felt like I had been winded. Gale still had his arms around me and I pushed him away. Peeta turned his back and headed off toward the field with no backward glance. 

He kept his distance for a few weeks after that, spending more time with his friends and noticeably a blonde girl named Cressida who sat beside him often. I hadn't wanted to tell anyone about Gale and I, it wasnt like we were dating. Not at that point anyway. I told Madge after Peeta saw us, she never said anything about him after that.

Eventually Peeta turned up at our lunch table as though nothing had changed. He joked about our science class and teased Madge about some guy who had asked him about her. I wondered what his game was until Cressida showed up and asked him where they were going on Saturday night. I was angry. I glared at him and wished she would evaporate. He saw the look in my eyes and returned it with a questioning look of his own. I grabbed my bag and made an excuse and left. I knew my anger at him was irrational but the thought that he had sat there so she would approach him about their date infuriated me.

Eventually I forgot why I was mad at him. I'd heard Cressida had lost interest in Peeta and he was back to sitting with us during lunch. I found he was a good listener and eventually when Madge had other commitments during lunch he would spend time listening to me complain about my latest argument with Gale or my stories of hunting with my dad and my sister hating every minute of it that she would try to sabotage our trips. Peeta never talked about his feelings for me again and I was glad. I still wanted him to be around. 

When Gale and I argued, things got crazy. I would be so mad I would throw stuff and he and I would scream at one another. He wanted me to go to parties at his college and I didn't feel comfortable or I didn't show enough affection. There was always something. I'd find myself texting Peeta. I knew it was selfish, feelings didn't just go away. But the more he replied the more I used him. 

Katniss: Gale's gone off on one again, I'm so sick of this. I cant seem to do anything right.

Peeta: What for now?

Katniss: Apparently I don't want to be involved in his college social life and everyone thinks I should make more of an effort. Who gives a shit about everyone else?

Peeta: You shouldn't. Where are you? Do you want me to come get you?

Katniss: Yes. I'm near Wheatley Park by Franklin Avenue.

Peeta: Be there in 15.

I locked my phone and sat on the wall to wait. On nights like this after I had stormed out, I would text Peeta and he would pick me up. We'd drive around town and listen to his music before he would drop me at home. When he picked me up that night though he looked nice and smelled of aftershave. 

“On a date?” I asked.

“Something like that.” 

“Where were you?” I hadn't intended to sound demanding but my tone was off.

“I was having dinner with Cressida and her family.”

“Oh, I hadn't realized you and her were serious, in fact I hadn't noticed anything at all.” This time I was obviously curt.

“Katniss...” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. 

I should have apologised but I was so riled from my argument with Gale I couldn't.

“Katniss, we're friends and I accept that. I haven't once mentioned you and Gale and you told me you didn't want to date anyone. I let you know how I felt and you chose him. I can't keep waiting for you when you made it clear he's who you want.”  
I feel numb. I'm angry again, but this time at myself for caring who he's with. I did choose Gale and I had no right to expect Peeta to remain hung up on me. 

“So why are you here instead of on your date?”

“You were upset, I didn't want to leave you to walk home.”

We pulled into my drive way and Peeta got out, he walked around to my side of the car and as I got out he pulled me into a hug. He was warm and again there was that smell of honey and chocolate. I lingered in the embrace, feeling the muscles in his shoulders. I had the urge to let my hands explore but the thought was interrupted as he broke away.

“You know Katniss, tomorrow you will both make up. He's crazy about you and you love him.” He shrugged. His eyes couldn't disguise the sad look he gaves me. Like he was wounded. 

“We might not.” I said, but I knew he was right. Peeta walked me to my front door in silence.

He sighed, “Goodnight Katniss, see you at school,” and turned to walk away. Suddenly he turned around and grabbed me by the wrist, pulled me towards him and kissed me. I wasn't sure how to react at first but then his lips felt so nice and I thought of those arms wrapped around me. I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer. His tongue assaulted my mouth and I parted my lips to allow him entry. It was like our first kiss, only more desperate. Like we had been denied each other for too long. My tongue trailed along his teeth and his tongue. We stood there for whatt felt like forever and I wished it would never end but the porch light had come on and I pulled away. 

“I should go inside,” I said breathlessly.

“Goodnight,” he said as he turned to go down the driveway.

I went inside and straight to my room. I lay in bed confused and unsure of this whole night. My phone beeped twice and I unlocked it to read the messages.

Gale: Catnip, I'm sorry. Let's not fight, I love you. <3 

I couldn't reply right then. I read the next message.

Peeta: Leave him for me. 

Leave Gale? I'd lose him forever. I couldn't do that. He was my best friend, I couldn't leave him for someone else. He loved me and I would never break his heart. My dad had left my mom for someone he worked with and she had been devastated. I had kissed Peeta, did that mean I was like my dad? What had I done...

I cried myself to sleep that night. Guilt and confusion taking over my thoughts, my dreams were nightmares of Gale hating me and being left alone with no one.

The next morning I replied to Gale apologising for our fight and promising to make it up to him. Guilt had taken over and I would do whatever he wanted to make him happy. I also replied to Peeta.

Katniss: I can't.

At school on Monday Peeta was with Cressida, she held his hand and he kissed her lightly on the forehead.

There was no doubt in my mind that I had made the right choice with Gale. Peeta stopped coming to lunch with us after that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss recalls some more of her past history with Peeta. In present day they catch up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire fic is basically inspired by/written to the following Ed Sheeran songs - Thinking out loud, I'm a mess, Photograph and Tenerife Sea. 
> 
> I hadn't planned on another memory, I wanted to focus on present day but then I felt I couldn't take it out either. I have one more I'm saving for a later chapter, I want to focus on present day for chapter 3.
> 
> Enjoy and all feedback is appreciated!

After graduation I moved in with Madge and went to a local college. I heard that Peeta had moved to another state to study art which surprised me. I guess I never knew him as well as I thought, I figured he would be involved in sports. 

My mind snapped back to the present. Thankfully my shift is almost over and I can hopefully avoid any awkward encounters with Peeta.

"Katniss, can you man the till for a moment? I really need to pee." Johanna asked, without waiting for an answer she headed towards the bathrooms. 

I stood by the counter eyeing the muffins, they always look better than they taste.

"Hey Katniss," a familiar voice says, I freeze. My eyes still on the muffins. "Can we get the cheque please?" Another voice, the giggly blonde.

With no choice I look up, those blue pools are still captivating. I shift my glance to the blonde and put on my best 'for the customer' smile.

“Of course.” I ring up the bill, “That will be 24.50.” I focus on the blonde girl.I should say something, feign vague recognition. 

“How have you been?” He asks, forcing me to acknowledge his presence.

“I'm okay thanks, and you?”

“I'm great, do you remember Delly?” He indicates to the blonde.

“Cartwright. We were in Spanish together.” She adds.

Oh I do remember her, she had been several pounds heavier back then.

“Yes, sorry I didn't recognise you. You look great.”

“Thanks,” she beams at me.

Peeta's staring is making me feel so uncomfortable. “You're back?” I ask, unsure of how else to get out of this awkward conversation without being rude.

“Yeah, I have a job interview here and my brother's wife just had a baby. Do you work here now?”

“Um only during winter, I work at the national park as part of the educational team. Right now though there is little work due to weather conditions so I pick up some work here to help with the bills.”

He grins, “I can't imagine you teaching.”

“I do quite well I'll have you know, kids love me.”

“I never doubted they would, you just were never much of a people person. Back in high school anyway.”

“Things change.” I retort, glowering now. 

“That's the Katniss I remember.” He grins again, I find it irritating. Fuck off Peeta and take giggles with you.

“We should go, it was nice seeing you Katniss.” Delly interrupts us.  
“I'll see you around Katniss.” He says as they leave.

“Yeah, bye.” He glances back before they exit the door. I watch them walk through the car park, it sort of looks like the are arguing.

Johanna is standing behind me and I startle when she talks.

“What was that?” amusement in her voice.

“What?”

“You and the hot guy. How do you know him?”

“We were friends, back in high school. We sort of drifted apart. And that was nothing.”

“Didn't seem like nothing to me. Did you have something going on?”

“No.” I couldn't think quick enough to respond with something to close this topic.

“Bullshit. He was eye fucking you for most of his time here while he was with another woman, brainless.”

Johanna, always so blunt. She never held anything back and she didn't give a shit what anyone thought. Part of the reason being friends with her could be so liberating. Especially on a night out. Right now however I could do without this. Despite her no cares attitude, Johanna was a pretty fierce friend and was there for me when I needed someone most.

“Kat, you need to start thinking about moving on with your life. Be open to new possibilities and all that shit.”

“I am moving on. I'm just not moving on to someone else right now...especially not him.” Johanna looks at me exasperated. I wish it was that easy. Just to get over it. I leave my apron in the basket and grab my coat. I say my goodbyes to the other staff and head home. 

X

My apartment is filled with boxes. I haven't gotten around to unpacking or even considering what is contained within.

I have dinner and take a shower. I attempt to not think of Peeta but that makes things worse and in the end he's all I can think about for the rest of the evening. 

In truth I'm embarrassed about the past. I was fully aware of what I was doing the times when I text him to come get me. I had enjoyed his attention and the fact he would drop whatever he was doing to come get me. Listening to my bitching about Gale, never judging or forcing his feelings on me. 

All these feelings and thoughts coming up are a welcome distraction. Usually I would be sitting here with a TV dinner wondering how the hell this could have happened. Its been a hard year, usually I would talk things over with Madge or Gale would be there to comfort me. But not anymore. Prim is away at college studying to be a Veterinarian, we really only communicate via text and email these days. Though shes always there to answer my calls but I hate to put my problems onto her when she's studying or enjoying herself.

I decide to text her anyway.

Katniss: I miss you, so bored right now.

Prim: I miss you too! I'll see you soon at Christmas break. I'm studying for tomorrow, why did I decide this is what I wanted to do?

Katniss: Can't wait, you'll ace it

Prim: Thanks, love you!

Katniss: You too little duck

Prim: >:|

I smiled, she hated that I still call her that. A nickname from when her blouse stuck out like a duck tail. I'll always think it's cute, no matter what age.

I try to read, I'm about two chapters in when I lose interest and start thinking back to high school again. Damn Peeta, its not that I had forgotten these times. I just chose to not acknowledge them. I was with Gale and that meant forgetting the boy with the bread. I never forgot those cheese buns though and no amount of bakery testing had I found ones which were quite as good. 

Gale had been jealous of the friendship I had with Peeta, if he had known that after we fought that's who picked me up he would have flipped. All he knew was that it was limited to lunch. I wasn't doing anything wrong, so I never felt the need to tell him. Madge knew but for all I know she never told him, back then anyway.

One night when Gale was at a party, I was home alone studying when Peeta text.

Peeta: How's the studying?

Katniss: Soul destroying.

Peeta: It's Friday night, you have the whole weekend, go do something fun.

Katniss: Alone?

Peeta: Are you asking me to join you?

Katniss: No, are you offering?

Peeta: I can't, too busy studying:)

Katniss: But we have all weekend!

Peeta: Do you want to go out in the car?

Katniss: We can hang out at my house if you like

Peeta: Sure, be over soon

Katniss: Ok, will order some pizza

Peeta: With extra pepperoni 

I ordered the pizza and cleaned my room a little. Our house was small though fairly tidy, it wasn't much but it was comfortable and what we could afford.

When Peeta arrived he had brought me chocolate, he knew it was my favorite. 

“You're the best.” I grinned. 

“I know.”  
I rolled my eyes at him. “What do you want to do?” I ask as I grab us both a drink from the fridge. 

“We could watch a movie?” He suggests, indicating to our stack of DVDs.

“As long as its not Disney, Prim watches those way too often.”

“We can skip the Disney.” His smile was illuminating. I tried not to notice his muscular build or the way his curls sit on the nape of his neck. 

We settle on a movie and eat our pizza, sitting side by side on the sofa. I pulled my legs up and hug them to me. The movie had trigged memories about my dad. I tried not to think about him often, it hurt too much. We had been close and I could never understand how he could have left us.

“Katniss are you okay?” Peeta asked with concern. He looked alarmed as a large tear rolled down my cheek and I wiped my eyes.

“Yeah, sorry. Just this movie, made me think of my dad.”

“Do you want to talk about it.”

“No, not really” My voice broke and before I knew it I was sobbing. Peeta wrapped his arms around me holding me to his chest. He whispered in my ear, soothing me, telling me I would be okay. I wanted to stay like this, let him protect me. But then I thought of Gale and all the times he was there for me when I needed him back when my dad first left.

“I'm sorry,” I sniff.

“Don't be, its okay.”

“It's not, you must get tired of me. All I do is complain to you about my problems and now I'm crying.”

“It's okay Katniss.” He rubs my back and strokes my hair, “Wheres your mom?”

“She's took Prim to visit my aunt til tomorrow.” His fingers play with loose strands of my hair and it feels so good.

“Tell me about your dad,” he says, as I relax my head against his chest. I'm not sure I want to say these things out loud. I should hate my dad but all I do is miss him. 

“He left us...my mom, for another woman. They worked together, they had been having an affair for a while. Her husband called my mom and told her. It was a shitty way to find out.”

He exhaled, “Katniss, that fucking sucks.”

I continued, “My dad and I were really close, he used to take me hunting with him. He taught me to shoot, fish and clean game. We would go out into the woods and stay in a cabin for entire weekends living off what was caught or found. I lived for those times. It was just my dad and I mostly because Prim hated killing animals...I guess I didn't notice my mom and him had drifted apart. I never noticed anything that would have given away that he was with another woman then but when I look back now he went away on longer trips for business or there were more work functions to attend. He also spent a lot of time checking his work phone for messages. My mom she...she drank a lot sometimes. She refused to go to work functions with him branding his colleagues pretentious. The man who had called to tell her about the affair told her that his wife had said she was an alcoholic. I don't think she was, she was just insecure and she drank. She hasn't drank since he left.”

“And you never see him now?”

“No. He tried but then I found out when he left he had moved in with his new girlfriend and her daughter, I couldn't face him. My mom had taken it really badly, she just went into mental torpor. She didn't talk to us or get out of bed. I had to try and take care of Prim and I, make sure the bills were paid and that we had food on our table otherwise social services would have become involved.”

“And he didn't try and help?”

“He did come around but he never came inside. I was so angry at him I just screamed at him to leave. He stopped showing up and trying to talk to us, it just upset Prim when he came and I told him we didn't want to see him ever again.”

“But you did?”

“I did. I tried to see him a few years later, I couldn't track him down, his parents had died when I was a baby and he doesn't have any brothers or sisters. I found out from a friend of his at the mine where he worked though that he had moved state. It didn't take long before court papers arrived requesting a divorce. Then someone told my mom that he remarried and his new wife was pregnant and he had adopted her existing daughter who was about Prim's age.” I felt fresh tears sting my eyes. “He replaced us. It all fucking sucks, Peeta.”

He held me close to him again as the tears spilled, even our silence was comfortable. 

“I'm sorry you had to go through that,” he says. Its wasn't his fault and he was apologizing, always the gallant gentleman. The clock catches my eye, its late.

“Peeta, Can you stay? I don't want to be alone?” I look up at him with my puffy eyes and tear stained face.

“Always.” He pressed his lips to the top of my head. I ached to reach up and touch my lips to his but I pushed those feelings aside and broke our embrace. 

“I'm going to wash my face and change, my bedroom is the 3rd from the right.”

“I can sleep on the floor or the couch?” He suggested nervously.

“It's more comfortable in my room. I'll be there in a second, can you check the door is locked?”

I headed to the bathroom. I was fully aware I was playing with fire by inviting Peeta to my bed. I had no intentions of anything happening and I trusted him fully. 

After I changed into my most unflattering pajamas, an old band t-shirt and shorts, I entered my room. Peeta was sitting on my bed looking through my pictures, they were mostly of my sister and I, some of my dad and mom. And some of Gale, which Peeta was staring at right now. A picture of us at the beach, laughing and eating ice cream. 

“You look happy here.” He keeps staring at the picture.

“I was, it was nice. Gale's family, Prim and I were all at the beach. I tan really well whilst Prim got sunburned, she looked like a lobster and she was mad at us for teasing her.” I smiled at the memory. “Are you going to wear your jeans to bed? That cant be comfortable.”

“If you wanted me to undress you only need to ask,” he teased with a smile. My stomach was in a knot, this was maybe a bad idea.

“If I wanted to see you undressed, I would have asked a long time ago. I'm only considering your comfort here.” I respond as I climb into bed. Peeta chuckled then removed his jeans and socks and climbed into the bed. 

We were lying next to each other awkwardly at first, then I moved over and put my head on his chest, he brought his arm up over me. It was innocent and comforting.

“Thanks Peeta,” I whispered.

I could hear him smile as he said, “Goodnight Katniss.”

When I woke in the morning, Peeta's arms were still around me. I nuzzled against his chest for a while longer, listening to his soft snores. Gale and I had never spent the night together or woke like this. Peeta's face was so peaceful. I reached out to trace his lips. He stirred slightly and his arm tightened around me. I felt safe and dared to wish this moment could last forever. But my head told me it wouldn't, I broke away and got up to go take a shower. Peeta muttered in mild protest and opened his eyes. 

"Morning." I rifle through my drawers for clean clothes.

"What time is it?" He asked groggily.

"Eight forty. I'm going to take a shower, help yourself to breakfast."

When I entered the kitchen Peeta had made us pancakes for breakfast.

"I didn't know you could cook." The pancakes were amazing.

"My dad owns a bakery and you assume I can't cook." He laughs, "Who do you think makes the cheese buns for lunch?"

"That was you?" Im still shovelling pancake down my throat greedily like I'm worried I won't get enough.

"You eat worse than my brother. I can make more if you are hungry."

"No they just taste so good. My mom never cooks breakfast and I can never get the consistency right. So why cheese buns?"

"You said they were your favorite so I kept making them." He's blushing a little, a slight flush over his ears.

We are and talked, it was so comfortable. I forgot about everything in the presence of his company. I couldn't help but think How uncomplicated my relationship with Peeta was compared to Gale. Even before Gale and I had sex, our friendship wasn't like this. We would talk about the circumstances of our lives, where things had gone wrong or who was to blame. We could argue or debate for hours but then be kissing as though we needed to consume one another. Eventually though that fire extinguishes. At the time that didn't seem possible.

Peeta and I were still talking when the door opened and Prim ran in towards us. 

"Katniss, look what I got!" She froze, staring at Peeta.

"Hi," he said giving her a friendly smile.

"Hi," she said shyly. 

My mother came in behind her, her eyes took in the sight in front of her. If only ever had Gale over before. 

"This is Peeta, a friend from school. He and I were just eating pancakes, he came over early to get a book and I was about to make breakfast so I asked him to stay." I realise my excuse was too long but hope they are satisfied that he only arrived this morning.

My mother nodded in his direction and gave him a courteous, "Hello, nice to meet you."

Peeta announced he should go, studying couldn't wait. I walked him to the door. I hugged him before he left and whispered, "thanks."

He gave me a smile which looked half sad as he left.

When Prim had finished showing me her new dress and gone to hang it up. I was left alone with my mother. Despite her mental health being better, she still had bad days and I struggled to have patience with her. 

"Did he spend the night?" She asked suddenly.

"What? No." My heart raced and I looked away hoping she couldn't tell I was lying from my facial expression. 

"I saw you kiss him on the porch." Oh god, the night the light came on.

"That was a mistake. We're just friends."

"Good. Because he'll hurt you, you know. They always do." And at that she left the room.

My mother had met my dad in senior year of high school after she transferred when her parents moved here for work. 

Maybe she was right. He said he had liked me for a long time, crushes rarely last. Infatuation has its limits. I knew that now.

X

I fell asleep on the sofa so when I wake up my neck hurts like hell. I check the time on my phone 7:47am, later than I usually sleep.

I take a shower and decide to go running, I have today off work. I know I should be unpacking those boxes but I still can't face it. I drive to the beach and decide to run along the shore. It's freezing but I love the sea spray and the smell of the ocean as much as I love the smell of a forest. 

About an hour later my phone signals a text.

Johanna: Hey Brainless, hot blonde was in this morning, alone. He asked me when you would next be working. 

My heart pumped a little harder in my chest. 

Katniss: What did you tell him?

Johanna: I told him your shifts 

Why do I feel nervous? And a little excited, if I'm honest with myself. I wouldn't mind talking to Peeta again. 

X

It's a week before Peeta shows up in the cafe. He's with another blonde guy who I can only describe as beautiful. Johanna doesn't waste time serving them and flirting shamelessly. The sight makes me smile. Despite being a train wreck due to her past history Johanna lets nothing hold her back from getting what she wants. 

She brings back their order and with a grin says, "Finn has united us to a party."

"Finn?"

"Hot blondes even hotter blonde friend who is giving me very inappropriate thoughts right now." 

I roll my eyes at her, “His name is Peeta.”

"Don't you dare even say no." She warns.

"When?" There's no point denying her, she will harass me about it until I relent anyway.

"Saturday night. And we both have the night off, no excuses."

I try to continue waiting tables without paying too much attention to Peeta. I can't help but glance over a few times but he's mostly deep in conversation with his friend. His friend however, Finn, catches my eye and a grin spreads over his face causing Peeta to look in my direction. I blush and hang my head down as I stack plates onto a tray and hurry back through to the kitchen.

When I go back out there are customers waiting to pay. I serve them and then see Peeta approach. I look around for Johanna to take over but she's busy taking an order. I sigh, no way out of it now.

"Hey," he greets me. He's wearing a navy t-shirt and dark green combats, I try to avert my eyes from staring at his muscular frame and instead focus on his eyes. Not helping.

"Hey," I reply, casually. 

"I was hoping to run into you again."

"Oh?" Is all I can manage.

"I wondered if you would like to catch up. It's been a while."

I conflict internally with what to do. It couldn't hurt, it's just a catch up and I have to admit I'm curious about what Peeta is like now.

"If you ask me for coffee I'm going to have to decline, I can't stand the smell after working here so much."

He grins at this. "A drink then? There's a new bar in town I wanted to try."

"Okay. When?"

"Tomorrow night?" He suggests.

"Sure, pick me up at six." I tell him, I write down my address on the notepad and hand it to him. 

"See you then." The smile he gives me makes my heart race. He pays his bill and then leaves to catch up with his friend.

I spend the next 24 hours with my stomach in a knot. I think about canceling but I don't have his number. Johanna comes over around 3 to try and calm me down.

"Fucking hell Kat, this place is like a storage unit. Unpack already."

"I will...eventually."

"You're not wearing that are you?" She points to my faded leggings and oversized shirt.

"No, I don't know what to wear. I don't want to give him the wrong impression."

"First off we need to sort out the 3 W's. Waxed, washed and wardrobe. Despite your plans to fuck him or not." 

"It's just a catch up. Old friends. And yes I waxed and I showered." I roll my eyes.

"You need a rebound. Just get him out of your system."

"That's not what I need."

"Kat, if anyone needs no strings attached fun right now it's you."

"But not with Peeta."

"Why the fuck not?"

So I explain to her about our past. 

"That was years ago Katniss and you are both different people now. He was a horny teenager with a crush back then. Albeit a very gentlemanly one, fuck knows how he managed that."

"Not everyone has to fuck anything that moves Jo." 

"When you are a teenage boy you do."

I sigh and think of Gale, how at 18 he couldn't get enough. Had Peeta been that way too?  
I thought of Cressida and wrinkled my nose.

"Catch up with the guy, hook up, move on. I bet you will feel better, I imagine he's great in the sack. Those arms could probably balance you as-"

"Shut the fuck up." I say throwing a pillow at her, "Help me find something to wear."

We dig around the boxes of clothes and I settle on a cobalt blue skater dress with a black belt. Joanna argues with me over whether or not I should wear heels or boots. She relents as I choose ankle boots with a heel. 

"No tights Katniss, I draw the fucking line there, you have great legs so show them off."

I pull on the boots and Johanna helps me fix my hair and apply the minimum of make up.

"This isn't even a date."

"No but it's the first time you have spent any time in the presence of a man since Gale."

"There was Darius."

"He doesn't count, you weren't even interested." 

It's true, we went out once around a month ago and I had text Johanna begging her to rescue me. She had called with an excuse about my water pipes or something and I had left a poor confused Darius alone at the restaurant.

At 5.55pm I feel so nervous that I can't stop playing with my hair. Johanna left a half hour ago making me promise to call or text her as soon as I got home or when was alone.

I make my way down to wait on Peeta just as he's pulling into the sidewalk. 

x

During the ride to the bar I chat politely with him about his brothers family and his new nephew. I remember Peeta's brother Brandon vaguely, he was several years older than us and his other brother Ryan had been in Gale's year at school. He's staying with Ryan for the moment which he says sucks because his brother has a particularly noisy girlfriend who stays over, a lot.

We arrive at the bar which is surprisingly quiet though it is a Thursday night. 

"I've never been here before but Delly tells me it's great."

"Me either," I say as I look at the sign which names the bar as 'Abernathy's'. "Does Delly mind that you are taking another woman out to a bar?"

He laughs as he opens the door for me, "I hope not considering she's engaged."

"To you?" I ask, surprising myself as my voice raises about two octaves.

"Nah Thom, they met at work."

“So how are you two friends?”

“We've been friends since preschool. Our mom's knew each other from high school.” I never knew but I suddenly recall Peeta's regular lunch table which was filled with douchebag jocks and popular girls and Delly. She was never entirely part of the in crowd but she was always around them. I guess because of Peeta.

We find a booth at the back and Peeta orders a water and I ask for a blackberry Gin and Tonic from the cocktail list. He laughs at my choice.

"What?"

"I had you pegged for a straight up hard liquor type, not one for fruity drinks with an umbrella." 

"Well I'm full of surprises. And you are drinking water?”

"I look forward to finding out more. I'm also driving." He catches my eye, his grin is friendly and his eyes give away nothing. I'm desperately trying to assess the situation. Is Jo right, does he want to end up back at my place tonight? I'm no good at this. With Gale there was just a transition from friends to lovers to a relationship. There's never been anyone else and flirting with anyone on my part was always innocent or me being passive aggressive.

The waitress brings our drinks and I instantly remove the umbrella and place it in his glass of water, he laughs.

“Are you hungry? I'm going to order some chicken wings.”

In truth I haven't eaten but I am filled with nerves and decide I'll stick to the alcohol.

"So are you planning on staying here? I ask Inquisitively.

"I'm thinking about going on to earn a teaching degree."

"That's great, what would you teach?" 

He goes on to tell me about college and how he fell in love with The Renaissance whilst spending time in Europe. Studying abroad in Italy had driven his inspiration of art history and given him time to develop his skills with different materials. Peeta was so passionate as he spoke about art and his favourite pieces. I was entranced.

"So I think I would like to teach art history and then I would still have time to paint. In the future maybe set up a gallery."

"I'd love to see your work sometime." All my nerves are forgotten as Peeta and I just talk about everything that's happened since high school, although that could be with the help of the alcohol. I tell him about Prim being off at Veterinarian school, my mom now working in an alternative medicine surgery in another town. We have never really repaired our relationship, I resented her for the past and leaving Prim and I to look after ourselves. She couldn't find a way to make up for it so we had fallen into a silent agreement of minimum contact and only for Prim's sake. I had moved out for college and never returned unless for special occasions or holidays. We start chatting about my work as part of the educational team at the national park. I teach kids about the forest, the animals, plants and trees and also teach archery and swimming in the lake during the summer. I love my job and hope to move from seasonal part timer to full timer someday, then I can finally quit the cafe.

Conversation turns back to high school as we get talking about old acquaintances, before I know it Peeta asks about Madge.

“How is she doing?”

“She's fine, I guess.”

“You guys aren't friends anymore?”

“We...we grew apart. I haven't seen her in a while.” I'm lying, I haven't seen her since that night six months ago, I never wanted to see her again.

As if he can sense that I don't want to talk about Madge he moves the conversation on. I reach over and take a chicken wing.

“Hey, you said you weren't hungry.” he protests.

“I changed my mind.” I reply as I chew the chicken.

“So are you and Gale still together?” When he asks this, I struggle to swallow and take a sip of my drink.

“No. We broke up.”

“I'm sorry. I seem to be asking all the awkward questions...” he trails off looking embarrassed.

“It's okay, we...it's just. Its still kind of raw you know. It wasn't that long ago.”I look down and stare at my drink. I turn and signal the waitress and ask for another.

“Sorry I totally understand. You guys must have been together a while, that's rough.”

“Don't be sorry. It was almost six years. What about you, no girl to bring back with you after all your travels?”

His ears flush red, I remember this from school when Peeta was embarrassed. I always thought it was adorable.

“None of late and none that I ever felt like investing six years into.”

I smile, “It doesn't feel like six years since you and I drove around in that old beat up car.”

“I loved that car, in fact my brother gave it to me when I went off to college. Sadly it gave up after about a year in.”

“Rest in peace...what was it you guys called her again?”

“Glimmer, I can't believe you remember that.” he laughs.

I raise my glass in toast, “To Glimmer.” Peeta raises his glass too and he stars at me so intently I almost pour the drink over me.

We spend the rest of the night catching up some more and Peeta drops me off he insists on walking me to my door.

“I'll be fine, its not like someone can grab me in the short distance from your car to the door.”

“It's polite, plus I can't call and see if you are okay.”

“I don't have your number either.”

“Give me your phone,” he says and when I hand it over he programs his number into the phonebook.

He hands it back to me and we walk towards my apartment. When we reach the door Peeta pulls me into a hug. It lingers longer than I expect.

“It was good catching up with you.” he says into my ear.

I pull back unsure of what to say or do next. So I make the biggest mistake of the night, I lean forward and kiss him, his lips don't respond and I'm beginning to regret that fourth drink.

Peeta pushes me to arms length and says, “Katniss, this wasn't a date. I wasn't expecting anything.”

“I-I'm sorry.” I stammer, the heat in my face must be visible. I'm such a fucking idiot. I don't even want to have sex with him, even if I agree with Jo that he is fucking hot. He's been so nice to me all night but I was sure he was flirting sometimes, maybe I'm getting so pathetic I'm starting to misread people. 

“Hey, It's okay.” He pulls me into another hug and rubs my back. It's so comforting. I wish he would fucking leave so I can be miserable alone. Okay no, let's just stay like this. I relax into him. 

“Katniss, I'm not really the rebound guy type. I think it's for the best if we stick to being friends.” He pulls away and looks away from me. I feel a bit rejected in spite of my lack of plans to sleep with him tonight. “I had a great time tonight catching up and I'd hate to ruin that with residual weirdness from a one night stand.”

“Of course, I'm sorry. I think I overindulged on the G&T. I'm so sorry.” I apologise again. 

“Don't worry about it,” he gives me a lopsided smile, “Call or text me anytime, I'll see you at the party.” He starts walking back to his car and I let myself inside so I can die of mortification.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some writers block with this chapter and I have had a lot of real life stuff happening. I'm not 100% sure if I am happy with it, I have certainly edited the party a few times. Anyway here we go.

When I get into my room I pull my boots off and throw them at the wardrobe. God, I'm so fucking stupid. I pick up a pillow and scream into it. Anger and frustration taking over. Why did I kiss him, how can I even look at him again after tonight. And he didn't even want me anyway, I had the completely wrong idea. Which Jo had reinforced by saying things like eye fucking. Now I'm mad at her too. 

I check the time on my phone. 11:15pm, she will still be awake so I call her. 

"You did what?! And he pushed you away? What the fucking fuck." She cursed down the phone.

"It's my fault, we caught up, everything was going well and it was great to see him again. I just...I had the wrong impression I guess."

"No, he fucking gave you the wrong impression. He was eye fucking you, then he asked about you then took you out."

"That doesn't mean anything, he's a nice guy maybe he really did just want to catch up. We haven't seen each other in years."

"Wait, did you talk about Gale?"

"No...yes. But only to say we broke up."

"Oh. So you didn't tell him the rest?"

"Why the fuck would I bring that up. I can't even say it out loud to myself."

"Fuck it Kat, forget him. Friend zone him and we'll find some new prospects at that party. Threesome with Finn perhaps?"

I laugh, "In your dreams Jo."

"I will dream about that, tonight." I can hear her smirk down the phone. 

"I'm going to sleep, I'll see you later." We hang up and I dress for bed. I can't sleep. I toss and turn then stare at the ceiling replaying tonight's events in my head. 'I look forward to finding out more of your secrets', was that even something you say to a friend? Maybe he was interested then lost it during our catch up. I'm not worth it, I wasn't for Gale so why would Peeta care. I let out a sigh, fuck I hate over thinking this. I resume tossing and turning and at some point fall asleep.

When I wake in the morning my hair looks like I dragged myself through several hedges and the covers are twisted around me. I feel like shit. I head for the shower and as I look at my reflection I recall last nights events and groan. 

After I shower I check my phone and remember that Peeta entered his number in my phonebook. I search through the names til his shows and I contemplate texting him. I think about it again as I eat breakfast and what I will say. I type out several messages before deleting them. Eventually I settle on one and before I can lose the nerve I hit send.

Katniss: Hey, I'm sorry again for last night. I enjoyed catching up, it was good seeing you. Katniss 

I'm halfway to work when the phone signals a text.

Peeta: Hey, I'm surprised you text me. Don't worry about it, consider it forgotten. Had fun too, we should do it again. 

We should catch up again or hang out? I wasn't really sure, but I guess that's what friends do. I text back before my shift started anyway.

Katniss: Sure. Gotta work, see you. 

X

It's the night of the party, I'm back to deciding what to wear. I don't care enough about impressing anyone so I decide on black jeans and a white top which can pass as as dressed up. I pull on my shoe boots and braid my hair. Johanna is sitting in the living room dressed similarly only showing plenty of cleavage.

"Well it's better than I expected." She says eyeing my outfit.

"What? Did you think I was going to wear, a habit?"

"Possibly, I wouldn't put it past you,” I throw a cushion at her, “So 3 simple rules for tonight. No talking about your ex, no crying and you must at least flirt with one guy there." She continues.

"Just one? Do these rules even apply to you?"

"Of course not, I just want to make sure you have fun."

I roll my eyes, "Let's go."

When we arrive the party is in full swing. I hate parties, I accept I'm just not one of those people who are comfortable in a crowd. I try and embrace it because I know its not good to be alone so much and especially of late since...well since I can no longer rely on the people I called best friends.

Johanna finds Finn and introduces us, I find out Finn is actually Finnick. 

“Katniss, you are tantalizing,” he says, he gives me a look that makes me feel exposed.

“Knock if off Finn,” Peeta arrives and shoves Finnick playfully away, “Glad you guys made it, ignore Finn he's just trying to drive his girlfriend crazy, they have some weird jealous-sex thing going on.”

“Thanks for inviting us.” I say, I feel awkward as I recall last night. Johanna looks disappointed at the news of Finn's girlfriend but she wastes no time integrating into the party anyway. She's on the makeshift dance floor with a bottle of tequila dancing with pretty much every one.

“Can I get you a drink?” Peeta asks, “Gin and Tonic is in the kitchen, I also bought blackberry juice just in case.” 

“You actually went out of your way to get me my own drink?” That's incredibly sweet and thoughtful.

“We like our guests to feel welcome.” He gives me a smile, I look at his blue eyes and for the briefest moment he looks away almost shyly.

“Well thanks,” I say, interrupting the moment. I follow him to the kitchen where I see Delly chatting to another girl, she gaves Peeta the briefest wave and turns back to her conversation. I have a mild feeling that Delly doesn't have much time for me.

Peeta pours us both a drink and we get talking about his job interview, which was a disaster. He got sent to the wrong place making him late, confused the name of the interviewer with the scribe and hadn't realised there was baby puke on his tie. I laugh at him. It's still surprising how easy he is to talk to. Last night seems forgotten, on his part at least.

“Needless to say I haven't heard back from them yet.”

“I'm sure they can overlook your nerves, though I still have a hard time believing you couldn't smooth talk your way through an interview,” I tease.

“Believe it or not, when there's something I really want I seem to lose my cool.”

“Then you should treat everything as though you don't really want it.”

“If only it were that easy.” he grins.

A guy calls on Peeta and beckons him over.

“I should go see what they want, I'll catch you later Katniss. Try and have fun.” He leaves me and heads off in the direction of his friends but I admit I am slightly disappointed. Its not like he said he would hang out with me at the party, he just said he would see me there. And why does everyone assume I can’t have fun anyway. I decide to find Johanna.

I'm pushing my way through people who are either sitting around drinking and talking, the music is loud and there are people dancing in the living room where the furniture has been pushed back. Johanna is sitting on some guy’s knee when I enter.

“Kat! Come dance with me!” she yells. I'm not nearly drunk enough to embarrass myself on the dance floor. I grab her tequila and take a shot. Then another. May as well gain some liquid courage.

“That’s my girl!” Johanna pulls me onto the floor and we dance. After the fourth song I am really ready to sit down, the heat is starting to get to me. Johanna and her new friend have started dancing together so I head off with her bottle of tequila and find myself a chair. 

I spot Peeta across the room, talking to a brunette. He's leaning against the wall and she has her hand against his chest. She's flanked by 2 other girls also visibly drooling over Peeta. The brunette starts playing with the button of his shirt and then stands on her tiptoes to whisper into his ear. They spend the next half hour talking to each other. I don't see what's so interesting about her, in fact it’s almost disgusting how much she s practically all over him. And he's not exactly walking away. I feel pissed off at the display and decide I can’t watch anymore. I get up and head back to the kitchen for another drink. The kitchen is fairly empty, the rest of the party goers are in the lounge dancing or watching the drinking games. I plant myself at the table next to a couple who are whispering at one another, they start making out. Fucking hell, is every one in heat. 

Thankfully they leave and then a pretty brunette woman takes their place, she massages her temples and closes her eyes. 

“Are you okay?” I enquire.

“Oh, yeah I just have a headache. I get them every so often.” She smiles shyly.

“I'm Katniss.” I offer, trying to be friendly.

“Annie.” She answers with a smile, “You know Peeta?”

Why would she know that? “Yeah, we went to high school together.”

“Ah he mentioned you, I'm Finnick's girlfriend.”

“Really?”

“You seem surprised.” She laughs lightly. I like her, from first impression shes not at all what I expected from someone Finnick would date.

“I guess I just expected him to be dating someone a bit more...”

“Trashy?” She supplies, but there is humor in her eyes.

“Something like that,” I laugh. We chat for a while and I find out Annie loves the outdoors too, she loves to swim and she used to spend summers camping and fishing with her grandparents. I'm enjoying talking with her dont realise how much time has passed, when Annie interrupts spotting Finnick with Peeta in the other room. 

“It was lovely talking to you Katniss, we should hang out some time.” We swap numbers promising to arrange something soon. Usually I shy away from making new friends but lately with their numbers dwindling, I could do with making more.

After Annie leaves I am alone except for those getting drinks. I consider telling Johanna that I'm leaving but I know she will just tell me to suck it up and insist that I dance with her. I don't want to ruin her night. I'm busy stirring my drink with a straw when a guy sits down next to me.

“Hi,” he says, offering me a cigarette.

“No thanks, I don't smoke. I'd prefer if you didn't either.”

“Fuck, you're not one of those pure air freaks are you.”

“No I just value my lungs.” He smells of booze and stale cigarettes. 

“I could help you value some of your other body parts.” he suggests. I look over at him, he looks near 28, lean yet muscular with fair hair. He makes my skin crawl as he looks at me with alcohol fueled lust. 

“I'll pass thanks.”

“You don't know what you're missing.”

“Well I doubt its much, you reek of booze.”

“I don't have a problem getting it up.”

“You'll have a problem using it again if you don't fuck off.” I was pissed off now. Who did this guy think he was. 

He rose to his feet and staggered a little towards me. I stood up getting ready to leave, he reached out to grab me and I jerked my arm away.

“Fucking frigid bitch.” He hisses. 

“Asshole!” I spit back.

“Hey! Katniss, I've been looking for you.” Peeta suddenly enters the room with Finn and another guy. “We should dance.” He leads me away and I see Peeta's friends lead the guy out of the party.

“Are you okay?”

“I'm fine...I could have handled myself you know.”

He laughs as he guides me to the area designated as the dance floor. “I know, but no one really wants the night to end up with the cops or paramedics. Has no one ever told you its pointless arguing with a drunk?”

"How did you know to interrupt?" I ask, suddenly curious.

"I saw you from the other room and it's not the first time we've had to kick that asshole out of a party after too many drinks. Without a drink he's just about bearable. He's only here because his cousin is friends with Finn."

"Oh." Was he watching me and I didn't notice?

“Will you dance with me Katniss?” Its a fucking slow song and I don't want to dance with him. My hearts still racing from the encounter with the drunken asshole though and Peeta's hand is on the small of my back as he leads me to a vacant spot. 

“Do I have a choice? You led me here,” He grins and pulls me to him as we begin to slow dance. 

“You can relax Katniss. Are you always this tense?”

“Only when I'm pissed off.”

“Pissed off at that guy? Marv? He's a dick yeah, but not worth getting upset over.”

I sigh, its not even that simple. I'm pissed off at you Peeta for coming back into my life and confusing me. I try to relax, I can't stop thinking about his hands on my waist though. I put my arms around his neck and look into his ocean blue eyes again. His blonde hair is growing out and falls in waves over his face as he looks down at me. I want to put my hands through it but that would be inappropriate...as a friend. My eyes linger on his strong jaw and eventually his lips. I'm being ridiculous, I think to myself.

“You have a scar above your left eye.” I state, trying to break my concentration from the heat I feel building inside me. Its a faint scar but I can just about make it out in the light.

“Yeah, my brother hit me with a toy car when I was five.”

“I hope you made him pay.”

“Yeah I made sure plenty of his future girlfriends saw his embarrassing cross dressing phase, when he was eight he would wear my mom's heels and a feather boa. There was photographic evidence.” he explains.

I giggle, betraying my earlier irritation. 

“You should smile more, it suits you.”

“I reserve my smiles for those I deem worthwhile.”

“So I'm worthy of a Katniss Everdeen smile?”

“I never said you specifically.”

“What does it take to get you to admit that I make you smile. I seem to remember plenty of them back in high school when we drove around in Glimmer.”

There it is again, the past. I don't know how to talk about those times without feeling I should apologise. 

“Maybe I wasn't laughing with you, it was at you.”

He rolls his eyes, “One day Katniss, you will be completely honest.”

That could mean several things. I decide to keep the moment light.

“Well my stubborn, scowling self didn't stop you joining us for lunch.”

“I had committed to making you cheese buns by then. I didn't want you to go without, pretty sure you enjoyed them more than my company.”

“You're not wrong,” I joke. 

The song ends and Peeta releases me. 

“I should go check if Finn and Thresh got rid of Marvel.”

“Sure...I should find Johanna, thanks Peeta.”

“Do you want to have lunch sometime?” He suddenly asks. 

“Sure, text me.” I smile at him and he grins back then heads off. 

I find Johanna heckling people at the shot table. She's pouring Jäger Bombs and encouraging people to drink as fast as they can. I help her pour the shots to avoid her demands to drink up. After a while the party winds down and Johanna is ready to leave, she can barely stand and her arm is around me putting all her weight on my shoulder. I call a cab and we head to the door. I consider finding Peeta to say goodbye but then I see him talking to the brunette girl again. They are sitting on the sofa and she has her hand on his leg. I am so out of here.

x

I'm lying in bed whilst Johanna is collapsed on the couch asleep. I check my phone for the time, 3am. I feel exhausted but sleep won't come. I've only been home an hour and I've been mentally running through work related tasks in my head to avoid thinking about Peeta. My phone suddenly buzzes, a text from Prim saying she hopes I enjoyed the party. I text back to ask why she's up so late when another text arrives too soon to be her reply.

Peeta: Hey, did you get home okay?

Katniss: I'm fine. Thanks.

Peeta: Okay, I looked for you guys but I guess you left already. 

Katniss: Yeah Jo could barely stand, I thought it was about time to go. I saw you but you looked kinda busy.

Peeta: you should have come said bye anyway, night Katniss

Katniss: goodnight

If he's texting me then surely he didn't leave with the brunette? I fall asleep shortly after that. Possibly due to hopeful relief.

 

When I wake in the morning I think of last night and groan. I didn't finish the tequila but my head feels fuzzy. I think about Peeta and my over reactions. This has to stop, I'm being pathetic. I put it down to loneliness, some dredged up feelings from the past and okay a little bit of lust. But right now I should focus on making friends, rebuilding my identity. Katniss without Gale Hawthorne. Which I have been doing, slowly. Johanna is right, I should friend zone Peeta and move on. Maybe I am actually ready to try dating. I'll consider it next time the opportunity arises. I get out of bed determined to act mature and stop thinking of Peeta.

Johanna is face down on the sofa, I poke her awake and she yells obscenities at me. 

"Christ Kat, can't you just leave me to sleep."

"I was going to make us breakfast, maybe we could run along the beach to clear our heads?" Johanna gives me a look which clearly means back off. "Fine. You go back to sleep and I'll make breakfast."

I head into the kitchen and make us some eggs, when I return to the living room Johanna has disappeared. More than likely escaped to my bed. I sit and eat breakfast alone and contemplate going for a run by myself. I realise I actually lack motivation to go so I decide to shower and check my emails. I reply to Prim and comment on her various social media accounts where she posts far too many pictures of cute animals. 

When Johanna finally emerged from my bedroom she flops down on the sofa and puts her arm over her eyes to block out the light.

"God I feel like shit," she complains.

"You say this every time."

"I never said I was of the intention to never do it again."

I roll my eyes at her.   
"What happened with hot blonde?" She enquires.

"Oh he seems pretty busy with some tall brunette."

"At least you know your his type." She smirks.

"Whatever, It's been nice to catch up but I'm moving on. Im tired of being miserable and he's not interested. I won't waste my time."

Johanna grins, I know she has been waiting for this moment. 

"So you're ready to get out there?"

"I don't know what 'out there' entails." I answer cautiously, knowing Johanna it involves frequenting bars and clubs, letting sleazy guys leer at us.

"We can go out and party and meet people, it will be fun."

"Jo, nothing good ever comes of meeting guys in a bar. Especially when alcohol is involved."

"Your just saying that because you can't handle your liquor."

"No I'm just saying that because I can count on one hand the amount of guys you've met who didn't just want a drunken fumble."

"Maybe that's what I wanted." She says defensively, "I happen to enjoy sex, it's a natural act. Not everyone is a prude Kat."

I've pissed her off now, I don't believe for a minute she enjoys all the random hooking up. I think she's just as lonely as I am. Just the thought of random strangers touching me intimately makes my skin crawl.

"I'm sorry Jo, I don't mean to offend you. I just don't think I personally could do the one night stand thing." I need to trust someone, I neglect to add.

Her features soften and she removes her arm from her eyes. She's so pretty and vulnerable that guys just use her and she lets them. I wish she realised she's worth more and would let someone in. Jo grew up in foster care and her only living grandparent died a few years ago. She literally has no one, well except me now. I'm her family.

"Did you make breakfast?" She asks, changing the subject.

"Eggs, hours ago but you disappeared, they went cold and I threw them out."

"Let's go get something greasy." We dress and leave the apartment. 

I don't think about Peeta much as the week goes by, he doesn't call or text and I am busy with work picking up extra shifts to help Prim with her tuition. I get home In the evenings and after I check my messages I'm so tired I fall asleep. 

X

It's Saturday night and Jo has to work. I text Annie to say hi during the week, we have been texting back and forth. She had plans this weekend but we planned to meet up soon for lunch. I've never actually planned lunch with someone before, usually I just hang out and sometimes food may be involved. It feels nice to have a friend I can plan things with, unlike Johanna who just shows up and eats the contents of my fridge and prefers partying. 

I've spent my entire day procrastinating, putting off unpacking the boxes which lie in every room of my apartment. I'm lounging on the sofa in my pyjamas when my phone starts ringing.

Incoming Call...Peeta Mellark.

"Hi." I answer, I'm surprised he's calling even though it's only been a week.

"Hey Katniss. How are you?"

"I'm fine. You?"

"I'm good, had a real busy week. Started working in my dads bakery since I didn't get that job."

"That sucks, I'm sorry."

"Sorry I have to work in the bakery or sorry I didn't get the job?" There's humour in his voice.

"The bakery, I mean being around all that food all day must be torturous." 

"Yeah it's hell." He jokes back, "What are you up to anyway?"

"Nothing really," I consider lying to make myself sound interesting but in the end I add, "I'm just hanging around at home."

"It's Saturday night, shouldn't you be out?

"Shouldn't you?"

He laughs, "Fair point, so we are both boring and home alone at the weekend."

"Yes we are." I can't help grinning, I'm pleased he called. I can't help but notice how his voice sounds as he jokes or teases. We talk a while longer about his week.

"So you are still lacking sleep over at your brothers?"

"Well I have to be up at 5 for the bakery and when I get home I crash out before dinner. When it's late though and those two start. I have to put the TV or music on to distract me and I can't sleep with those on."

"You could sleep here." The words are out before I can think of the implications.

"Katniss, do you often ask random men to sleep with you?" He's laughing and I feel embarrassed.

"Fuck off, I meant sleep. I have a couch and you are not random. But don't worry the offer is retracted." I answer defensively.

"Hey I'm sorry it was a joke." He responds, all humour removed.

"Enjoy your all night sex show."

"So I can't stay at yours tonight?"

His question catches me off guard. I didn't actually think he would accept. I hadn't thought it through, once again I lack self control around Peeta Mellark.

"Katniss?" He asks, I must have been quiet for too long.

"After insulting me, I'm not sure."

"Oh come on. It's has to be better than spending Saturday night alone? I'll bring food."

Stubbornly, I don't answer straight away. I'm contemplating on whether this is a good idea or not when he adds, "Please? I need to get some sleep this weekend otherwise by next week I'm going to be a zombie."

At this I relent, "Fine come over whenever." 

I can hear his smile clearly over the phone,"See you soon,” he says before ending the call.

After we hang up I dash into my room to change. He doesn't have to know I spent my entire day in pyjamas.

When Peeta arrives I'm braiding my hair. I decided on wearing jeans and a black tank top, definitely something you wear when you have been around the house all day. I let him in and hes balancing pizza boxes and beer. I grab the beer and hold the door open.

“Beer and pizza, I met just let you stay again.”

“You haven't heard me snore yet.” he jokes.

“I don't remember you snoring way back when.” I blush after I make this comment and turn my back hoping he doesn't notice.

“Maybe I wasn't asleep.” he suggests. I make my way into the kitchen to grab us some plates. 

“Make yourself at home.” I call.

“Did you just move in here?” he calls back.

“No, I've been here for months. Excuse the boxes.” I join him in the living room and hand him a plate, he opens the boxes on the coffee table. 

“And you didn't think you should unpack?” He grabs two slices of pepperoni and places them on his plate.

“Of course...I just didn't feel like it then and I still don't now.”

“What are you avoiding?”

“Nothing, I just...I'll get round to it.” I grab a slice of pizza and eat the pepperoni off the top. I think Peeta senses that I don't want to talk about the boxes. He hands me a beer and starts telling me about the bakery. His dad has him decorating cakes which he enjoys, though some customers can be pretty demanding on the details. Especially brides he complains. I drink my beer slowly, in actual fact I hate beer. I just don't want to offend him since he paid for dinner. As he talks I take in his gestures as he describes the perfect way to ice a cake, the way his eyes light up when he smiles, he runs his hand through his hair sometimes when he looks away almost nervously. I chastise myself inwardly for this behavior. What happened to just being friends. For a moment I hate myself but then it occurs to me, I can look at him. I can appreciate an attractive guy, I don't have to feel guilt and it doesn't have to mean anything. It's been months since Gale and I have felt no attraction to any guys I have met since or known whom have shown an interest in me. I just want to relax and enjoy myself. It doesn't have to necessarily have to involve sex. Though the longer I sit there watching him, looking at his muscles in his arms. I start wondering what his kisses are like now and how I would like to nuzzle his neck. I clench my thighs and grab another slice of pizza. 

“So we should unpack your boxes,” his sudden change of topic takes me by surprise and interrupts my thoughts, which is probably for the best.

“What, now?”

“Well if you have lived here for months and you are still avoiding it, you clearly need some help. Come on.”

He gets up off the sofa and leans over and grabs my beer. I catch the scent of chocolate and honey and feel like I could be back in high school.

“Why do you always smell like honey and chocolate?” I ask, curious.

“You noticed that?” He laughs, “It's shower gel. I've always used the same one, I just liked the smell. My mom would never let us get hot chocolate for drinking so I used to make her buy that. It was childish but it sort of stuck.”

“I remember it, from back in high school.”

“I remember you loved chocolate.”  
“I still do, had to cut back though. I find I can live on that stuff and no proper meals.”

He grins, “That's not hard to imagine.” Peeta grabs two of the boxes in my hallway and hands me one. “You start on this one. When we have one box emptied for stuff you want to keep we can then use that box for things you want to discard.”

“I can't believe you want to spend your Saturday night emptying my crap.”

He raises his eyebrows, “I can think of better things to be doing but helping you comes a close second.”

I look down at my box with a grin, hoping he doesn't notice. I think he was flirting again but I'm useless at telling. I start to unpack things such as linen and bed sheets. That's useful, I can make up the couch for Peeta later. We work in silence, with Peeta asking every now and again where I would like to store certain things. When Peeta moves on to the next box he's suddenly still, taking his time to look through the things contained within.

“Katniss, what happened to you and Gale? I don't mean to pry but, it's just here you look so happy.” There's a sadness in his voice.

“I don't want to bore you.” I reply, I'm still unsure I want to tell him this story.

“You won't bore me. I promise to let it drop if you want me to.”

I sigh, “We were having problems.”

“Problems?” He wants me to elaborate.

“We both had different ideas for how we wanted to live our lives and neither of us were prepared to sacrifice or compromise for the other.”

“And that was it?”

“No...he was seeing someone else.”

“Oh.” There's a flash of what I think is anger in his eyes, I'm not sure what I expected him to say. Something more than 'Oh' for sure. I continue in order to break the silence.

“It wasn't just anyone, It was Madge.”

“Shit Katniss,” He runs his hand through his hair again, “Are you okay?”

“I am, I mean I wasn't, but now I am. Okay, I think.”

“So this was six months ago?”

“Well that's when I found out. It's almost 7 months now.” I slide down to the floor, leaning against the wall and pull my knees up to my chin. “Madge was pregnant.”

He sits down in the hallway beside me. “That must have been a blow.”

“The lying was the worst part, or the fact I thought she had gotten pregnant to someone else. A guy she was supposedly seeing from work. There's also the fact this sounds like a bad reality TV show.” I throw that last part in with humor, but really its not funny. His arm snakes around my shoulder and he pulls me to him. Without hesitation I rest my head on his shoulder.

“What was he thinking? Is he fucking crazy?”   
“I think he had just had enough of us. He wanted to get married and have children and be a white picket fence family. I'm not that person, not now, maybe not ever.”

“Did you not consider ending things before it got too far?”

“Yes and no. I didn't want to ruin a long friendship, I couldn't let go. We would argue then make up and things would be okay for a while til it would all get dragged back up again.”

“And Madge?”

“I didn't know.” Tears sting my eyes now. I really had no idea, not even suspicions. “I found out she was pregnant after she was throwing up in the mornings. She was acting strange but I put it down to the shock. She said it was a guy from work and they had a one night stand. I helped her with doctor appointments and things and looked out for her for a few months before finding out.”

“And was it? A one time thing?” I assume he means with Gale.

“No...I'm not even sure how long it had gone on. I didn't want to know, though I'm told it was long before she was pregnant. When I left I packed all my things and went to stay with Jo. I haven't spoken to either of them since. She must have had the baby by now.”

He's quiet a while, I'm consciously aware of his hand resting on my arm. 

“Katniss, I never knew Madge well outside school but you guys were really good friends. I can't imagine why she would do that and Gale...well he was the luckiest guy in the world and he fucked up big time.”

It's nice of him to say that, for months I've let myself think that I deserved this. 

“Prim said our relationship was unhealthy anyway and ending things was inevitable. But not like that. I lost both my best friends and I can't stand to look at them ever again.”

“I can't blame you, they betrayed you. You know none of this is your fault, people can say you had an unhealthy relationship or you should have ended things sooner but that's no reason to have sex with someone else. And then when that other person is your best friend, he couldn't have picked anyone else?”

“I think she was in love with him. Is in love with.” I answer.

“That's still inexcusable. If he loved her he would have ended things with you and done this the right way when you both had moved on, you might have been accepting of any future relationship they had.”

“Maybe...It would never not have been weird.”

“Probably but you can get used to weird.” He smiles before adding, “I always thought you could do a thousand times better than Gale Hawthorne anyway.”

“Like who, you?” I ask boldly.

“In high school yeah, I like to think I was a step up.” he jokes.

“Well you did bring me cheese buns and chocolate, I was a fool.”

“You sure were.” He pulls away and gets up to continue unpacking the boxes. 

“So how did you meet Johanna?”  
“We met in college, she roomed with us for a bit.”

“Shes certainly...interesting.”

“Crazy.”

“Yeah that,” he laughs. We unpack most of the boxes and I make the couch into a make shift bed. I'm not ready to go to bed and I would like to spend more time with him but he looks tired.

“You should get some sleep, bathrooms down the hall on the right and help yourself to whatever is in the kitchen.”

“Thanks Katniss,” he yawns, his hair is falling into his eyes and I want to reach out and brush it away.

“No problem, thanks for helping me with the boxes.”

“Hey do you remember back in high school that night when I slept over at your house?”

“Yes I do...”

“You let me sleep in your bed then.” He grins cheekily.

“Yeah no chance of that happening tonight...I look forward to pancakes in the morning." I add. "Night Peeta.” I call as I walk down the hallway, I'm grinning like a lunatic though. I hear him call goodnight as I close my door.


End file.
